Just stumbled across this recent bit of news and simply had to post. I'm sure everyone here knows about Uwe Boll, inspiration behind such websites as www.uweboll.com, and his recent challenge to critics who have claimed his films were terrible that he would refute this claim by having a boxing match with them (yeah, I'm not sure how that one works, but I thought it was a good humoured response and makes him into a celebrity at least).
Anyway, it seems that there's been a hilarious response by one of the SomethingAwful.com team. Below are snippets, follow to the official homepage for the whole thing which includes a review of Alone in the Dark (Read More and follow the link)
Uwe Boll. Merely mentioning this infamous Hollywood director's name blows shockwaves of contempt through the angsty Internet nerd community, vicious piranhas swarming from the murky waste of IRC and the depressing depths of blogs to denounce their undying hatred of this small German man. How could so many independent, individual groups loathe one individual with such infectious vitriol? Simple: Uwe Boll is destroying the childhoods and fond gaming memories of Internet nerds across the country with each and every cinematic bastardization he produces. Having torn through "House of the Dead," "Alone in the Dark," and "Bloodrayne" like a diseased-ravaged wolf, gamers are declaring an electronic jihad against this enigmatic director for defiling their favorite high quality games that tackle such pressing, real world issues as "zombies that try to kill you" and "vampires who try to kill Nazis."
Why? What sets this man apart from any director who releases through Full Moon Video? Are his movies really that bad? Can anything truly justify the passionate animosity of a million angry nerds slamming sausage-sized fingers onto their keyboards?
Simply put, yes. Dr. Boll as he's known to people who probably don't really know him, has repeatedly found himself on the receiving end of tens of millions of dollars stapled to a contract simply reading "UWE PLEASE MAK MOVIE ABOUT VID GAME THX ." His results consistently reproduce themselves each and every time; a box office disaster causes the film to vanish within days, later resurfacing on DVD and inexplicably selling millions of copies to some awkward third-world country like Burundi or Burkina Faso, who periodically interrupt their outbreaks of genocide and ethnic cleansing to recall their favorite scene from "House of the Dead" (the bullet-time sequence in the graveyard).
To make things worse, a phrase often difficult to say during a Uwe Boll movie, the esteemed director frequently displays some bizarre delusional mental disorder that convinces him people actually love his movies and all the folks who say they stink (aka the entire Internet, nearly all critics, most major film directors, the American public as a whole) either don't exist in this plane of reality or have been brainwashed by some insidious, nefarious secret society, such as the Organization of People Who Don't Make Terrible Movies. This internal conflict results in seemingly random acts of insanity, as displayed in his latest wacky public antic: threatening to beat up his harshest Internet critics.
Notorious movie director Dr. Uwe Boll, most well known for his numerous film adaptations of video games, has extended a bizarre offer to his five harshest critics: fly out to Vancouver and face him in the boxing ring. During shooting for his upcoming film Postal, Boll will set aside two days to fight each detractor in a ten bout match. To determine who have been his most vitriolic nemeses, Boll is accepting self-nominations to firstname.lastname@example.org, which must be accompanied by proof of negative reviews or internet forum comments. Only critical comments from 2005 will be accepted, presumably to ensure that only longstanding critics, rather than those spurred on by this contest, are in the running.
While I may have withheld my personal distaste for Uwe Boll in the past, various Something Awful writers have not, producing a feature which Mr. Dr. Boll contacted me about early last year. He (somehow, for some reason) emailed me and offered to personally fly me up to Vancouver so I could watch him edit "Bloodrayne," an event which would (somehow, for some reason) suddenly make me think his movies did not belong in an official NASA probe headed directly for the sun. Unfortunately, my wife chose that time frame to give birth to our daughter, so I politely declined. Besides, I knew watching a small human being crawl out of my wife's vagina would be infinitely less horrifying than personally witnessing the grotesque mistake Ben Kingsley stumbled into.
So I decided to give it a shot. I sent Mr. Boll and email, asking him if his offer still stood. Would he still fly me up to participate in one of his unintentionally horrific non-horror films, this time with the lure of physically kicking the snot out of me on film? Well folks, I'm proud to say the answer was "yes." Mr. Dr. Sr. Boll replied and "added me to the list," the list of folks he plans on beating up because we talked bad about him on the Internet. In exchange for this incredible privilege, I promised Dr. Mrs. Boll PhD that I would actually sit down and review his films "Alone in the Dark" and "House of the Dead" so people would know I'm completely serious about hating this man and letting him punch me in the face until he decides to stop. Without further ado, I present to you my belated "Alone In the Dark" review, part one of a two-part series which will solidify my concrete standing on Uwe's Internet Shitlist.
I think Dr Boll is doing well throwing fuel onto the fire, as always, since its propelling him from a forgotten bad director right into the limelight. Its made me laugh so many times... if only his movies weren't so terrible in the end.
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